Thursday, July 15, 2004

My former pastor used to tell us that she believed fear was the root of sin. Fear has amazing power over our lives. I'm feeling less angry today, but very tired. I think I need to do a better job confronting the things that I'm afraid of. Reading about Rudy's son brought back a lot of memories and strong emotions from the death of my friend three years ago.

I'm afraid of cancer. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of seeing those I love in pain. I'm afraid of not living to see my daughter grow up. I'm afraid of failing my family. I'm afraid of failing God.

In reflecting on the kind words Karen H. left in the comments to my previous post, I think maybe I should just keep praying in spite of everything. I don't know if it will "work" or even what to say. I know it won't give me any answers, easy or otherwise. Not having answers is a struggle for me. In my professional life, I'm an analyst (of the financial flavor). Answers are what I do. Give me a pile of data and I'll tell you what it means. I need to admit to myself that I can't reason or argue my way to an answer. Bad things do happen to good people, but I can't let this reality convince me that God isn't present in our lives.

So God, I pray that you will be present with Rudy, Kafi, and Sam, in whatever form that takes. I pray that I will not be bound by my fear and that I can be present in the lives of those that I love and love me. I'll admit, God, that what I want are answers, but maybe what I need is patience and humility. I pray that I will be able to turn to you in the depths of unbelief, the darkness of faithlessness, and the pain of grief. Help me to rejoice in your goodness even as I'm blinded by self-pity and sadness. God, I pray that I can recognize your presence. Amen.



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